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Clear the decks and swallow any and all liquids before reading. I bet you get laughter tears while reading I know I did. I'm not much for off topic posts but had to post this on you will be ROFLMAO
HOT CHILI:
One Man's Good Fight
My husband went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one.
You see, the previous evening I had prepared a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to mess yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing.
He awoke that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through his intestinal tract, he appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, he bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that we often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. He selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until he was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit him.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before he could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There he stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. He was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of his body, and he began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
He doesn't know what made him do it, but he stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
He could've warned that poor woman but didn't.
He simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made him feel terrible, but then made him laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean.
With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from his nether region.
Some were so loud and echoing that he was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny.
IT was coming, and he raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that he'd make it before the grand Mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on his side. Just in the nick of time he got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because his butt is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while he was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Holy Crap!", then quickly left.
Once finished he left the restroom, reacquired his partially filled cart intending to carry on with his shopping when a store employee approached and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."
That of course set him off again, causing residual gases to escape.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at him in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager .
Hubby was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, he realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so he consumed two more bowls.
The next day he went to shop at Albertson's.
I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
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claymore-
Good find. I liked the story and the writing style of the woman who wrote it. But the "Sponsored Links" at the bottom of the page were even funnier-
the third link is "Expel Odor Neutralizer".
thats cool haha.
truthfully,
i would have never guessed.
Do NOT believe TOOL-- he islying. That is not the man's name. I should know; as I've posted before, he's my evil twin brother.
Once again, to make the point, "claymore" is a real anti-personnel land mine that has been in use since before WWII. It is a metal housing with a layer of C-4 plastic explosive in the back, and hundreds of .30 caliber ball bearings (called a "shaped explosive"). It is fired by either a trip wire, or a lanyard that is manually pulled. It tends to cut a lot of people in half when it goes off, and the explosive device got its name from a giant Scottish broadsword from Medieval times that also cut a lot of people in half.
"Our" claymore was given that nick name as a member of a Police bomb squad in his home state of Connecticut. He uses his old nickname as his user name here. For a variety of reasons, the use of the bomb name as his user name was a good choice. Stupid, abusive or clumsy treatment of explosives always has negative results (for you). But those results can be fun to watch for the bystanders (the rest of us).
Do NOT believe TOOL-- he islying. That is not the man's name. I should know; as I've posted before, he's my evil twin brother.
Once again, to make the point, "claymore" is a real anti-personnel land mine that has been in use since before WWII. It is a metal housing with a layer of C-4 plastic explosive in the back, and hundreds of .30 caliber ball bearings (called a "shaped explosive"). It is fired by either a trip wire, or a lanyard that is manually pulled. It tends to cut a lot of people in half when it goes off, and the explosive device got its name from a giant Scottish broadsword from Medieval times that also cut a lot of people in half.
"Our" claymore was given that nick name as a member of a Police bomb squad in his home state of Connecticut. He uses his old nickname as his user name here. For a variety of reasons, the use of the bomb name as his user name was a good choice. Stupid, abusive or clumsy treatment of explosives always has negative results (for you). But those results can be fun to watch for the bystanders (the rest of us).
haha
thankyou so much for that
+rep to you sir.
you deserve it
It's customary to identify jokes as jokes. Otherwise, members like Kyle believe what you say. Kyle may not know what a target you have made of claymore, but I do.
It's customary to identify jokes as jokes. Otherwise, members like Kyle believe what you say. Kyle may not know what a target you have made of claymore, but I do.
Nice find Clay more. haha. I had to try it. I dont know his real name either but then again its not really needed on a internet forum. I only post mine cause i dont use it very often in my profession and its nice to hear it every once and awhile.
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