Play the Office Game
Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:

ONE POINT

Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINTS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".

Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.

 

Apples and Wine

Women...
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top
of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because
they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes
take the apples from the ground, which aren't as good, but easy. The
apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality,
they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come
along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of
the tree.

Now Men....
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up
to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something
acceptable, to have dinner with.

 

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each organization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons!

 

hahaha

 

Man this thread is great, best two hours of work I've had in a while.

 

LOL to funny

 

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, You have Exactly 1,586 cows and calves'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct, ' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . .

Now give me back my dog.

 

I like it!!

 

Ok here's more. Enjoy!!!

 

Brooklyn Tony ON MATH



The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Brooklyn Tony.



He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."



The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."



Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3

women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"



The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."



To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."



Brooklyn Tony ON MATH (#2)



Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father.



The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies Tony.



"But that's right!" says his dad.



"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2".



"What's the ****ing difference ?" asks the father.



"That's what I said!"



Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH



Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are

going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an

example of a multi-syllable word?"



Tony says "Mas-tur-bate."



Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful."



Little Tony says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."



Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR



Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"



The teacher replied, "Now, Tony, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."



Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"



Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR



One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for

a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in

the same sentence twice.



First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father

bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in

it."



"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on

little Michael.



"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."



She said, "Excellent, Michael!"



Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.



"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful!' "



Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER



Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy

bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for

you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."



Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107

years old."



The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"



Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own *****1ng business."

 

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes,
charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in
Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team

rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is whooping it
up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear
anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and
investigate.

When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen
in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats
in front of them. They all had white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great
time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a

driver!"

 

Three mice are at a mouse bar having some drinks. Each is from MN, IA, and WI (I'm not spelling it out). The one from IA shoots back a shot of whiskey and says, "I'm so tough that I look for mouse traps, lie under it, then spring the trap, catch it between my teeth, and do bench presses."

The one from WI says, "That ain't nothin'. I wake up in the mornings, go look for rat poison, then use it in my coffee to jump start my day." Then he throws back a couple of shots of tequila.

Now both look at the mouse from MN because he's so quiet. They ask him to prove how tough he is...

He finishes his beer and says, "Screw this ****, I'm going home to **** the cat."

 

Advice from Grandma
My long-passed grandmother's birthday is coming up, and for me it is time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives, the special trips she would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with her, and the advice she used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when she died. If she were alive today and sharing her pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, came when I was only 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I'd find a great woman and start my own family. "And son, remember this always," she said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?" I asked her.
She answered in her soft voice... "makes your pecker look bigger."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

 

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried! to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway. It just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake the dirt off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to being happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less

NOW --------
Enough of that crap . .
The donkey later came back, and bit the **** out of the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

 

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her
neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing,
he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without
looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for
a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,

"That's because he's inside your ****ing cat."

 

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came to see him. "How many
customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people
average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65".The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him
a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing
and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a
boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin
engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic
would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and
sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a BOAT and a TRUCK is that right?"

And the kid answered "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his
wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "

 

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we were friends."

 

A six year old and his Granddag go shopping at Wal Mart.
They get seperated and the little boy tells an assistant that
he had lost his granddad.

The assistant asks the little boy whats his granddad like.

The little boy says "Crown and Coke and women with big tits."

 

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.'

She did and said, 'These are too big I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems.

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on."

She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."

Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here -you try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will."

 

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age."

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" Oh no,
"I
replied, "I'm not doing either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No,my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,

hiking, or bicycling?" No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said, "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a **** if you live
to be 80?"