Subject: Texas Welfare Worker

A guy walks into the local Texas welfare office for his monthly check.
He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi.

You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month
after month, since I left New Orleans. I'd really much rather have a
job".

The Texas social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is
excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man
who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of
your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting
salary is $200,000 a year"

The guy says, "You're bull*****ting me!"
The Texas social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

 

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human
beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl.

"My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,Fffff'
... and before she could say "****," the Rottweiler ate her!"

 

"THE ITALIAN MOTHER"

A young Italian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."


The mother agrees.


The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

The Italian mother replies, "I don't like her."

 

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You **** her again."

 

Job Opening

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two
men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" "The man said,
"You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife" The agent said,
"Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go
home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came
out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The
agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on
the walls.After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly
and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun
is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the
chair."

MORAL: Women are evil -- Don't mess with them!!!!!

 

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits,
And I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

 

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a *** club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

 

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" hesaid to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was
closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him,
reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord. Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent.
A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of
these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you
expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of
me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you
make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen."

 

Little Johnny at it again
>
>> Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground
>> and
>>
>> go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and
Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
>>
>>
>>
>> Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain
himself
>>
>> as he ran home and started to tell his mother, -
>>
>> Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the
woods
>>
>> with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big
>>
>> kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped
>>
>> Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane... at this point Mommy cut
>> him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting st ory, suppose you
>>
>> save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's
>>
>> face when you tell it tonight."
>>
>>
>>
>> At the dinner table, Mommy asked little, Johnny to tell his story.
>>
>>
>> Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's
>> car
>>
>> go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
>> giving
>>
>> Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then
>>
>> Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy
>>
>> started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do
when
>>
>> Daddy was in the Army.
>>
>>
>>
>> Mommy fainted!
>>
>>
>>
>> THE MORAL O F THE STORY IS:
>>
>> Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

 

LITTLE BOY AT NUDE BEACH

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach
in Miami. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many
of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back
to ask her why.

She tells her son, "the bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns
to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again. and promptly tells mother:
" Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he
talks, the dumber he gets."

 

Native American Observation - - -

Recently an old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government officials sent by the President to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

 

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if th ey could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if t he weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red< and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"


"She just died and left me everything."

Not what you were expecting, was it?

 

 

Bill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.
Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising. And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And Bill comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No,' says the nurse, 'Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.'

 

Here's another goodie--

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

 

When Ralph first noticed that his manhood was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his member had grown to nearly 20 inches.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're going lengthen his legs, aren't you?

 

A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. The 9-year old son comes home early, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is already in there.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"

Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover find themselves in the
closet again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold"

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to rip off your friends like that...that is
way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to
confession."

In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to the confessional and
closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again; you're in my closet now."

 

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Faluijiah when they came upon
an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side
of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both
men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw
each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife ****,
and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left
wing liberal democrat drunk."

"So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does
Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a
truck hit us"

 

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil
shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple
answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't
know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical. Our oil is
located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma and Texas while our
dipsticks are located in Washington D.C.

 

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her